Autism and marriage
Special needs and marriage
How did having a child with autism affect my marriage?
Rather than asking how having a child with autism affected my marriage, the question really should be what part of autism DIDN’T affect my marriage? The answer to that question is NO PART. Autism in your world seeps down into the marrow and every crevice of your life, especially the most intimate parts of your home and heart.
Before our autism diagnosis, I felt we had a really strong and happy marriage. Our marriage wasn’t perfect or bulletproof, but it was strong. We had walked a lot of years together. We had grown up together. We were already raising a beautiful daughter who was full of life and joy, and now our second had thrown us the curve ball of our lives by being diagnosed with autism.
In the first days and weeks after the diagnosis, you just survive. It’s like you have been bombed and first the dust fills the room, fills your soul, and you sit for what feels like hours and days in the shell shock as things settle. Then, eventually, it settles, and you begin to chart your new normal. For us, we are uniquely and annoyingly action oriented, so once the dust settled, we went into ATTACK mode against autism. We found every book, every website, every therapist within 30 miles, and every person who would share their own story with us. We built up our support system and a team of people who were attacking autism right around us. We took Keller to therapy, but we also did therapy with him at home before and after the specialists. Every waking hour was spent towards Keller’s treatments and interventions. Every conversation, every bit of money, every thought in our heads went into Keller and autism.
And then we started to make progress. The tightening fear in our chest got lighter. We started to see progress and our lives started to open. Hope started to open.
And then we looked across the dinner table and realized we were still married. And our marriage was like a garden that had grown weeds and random plants. Bits of trash hidden among the mulch. Lots of possibilities, but the reality was rough. We needed a lot of work.
Luckily, our roots were strong.
We went back to basics. Started ‘dating’ again and spending time with each other. We took walks. We watched sunsets. We talked about our days, work and dreams again. We went away for nights together. We reconnected. And we found ourselves again.
They say that having a special needs child can decimate a marriage. I can see how it could. You are desperate and full of grief and questions. You are lost and only feel like you are doing something worthwhile when you are serving your child. You are hopeless and drowning in doubt. And then, eventually, you find your breath again. Your head bobs above water. You start to make a new normal. And in that time, you can, and you MUST find your partner. Tend the garden. Pull the weeds. Take out the bits of garbage. Find your ROOTS. And start to grow again…as a couple. You can do it.
